Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Last night Jason looked at my blog and asked “What’s with all the chess stuff on your blog? Is it some stupid Twilight thing?” So it made me start to think…(Yes…it is a Twilight thing…do not judge first, please read!)
This past New Year I decided that it was time that I become comfortable with who I am and start doing things on my own. I’ve always depended on someone to make tuff decisions, well any decision really, and to just tell me what to do when I don’t want to deal with something. Independent thinking wasn’t something I was very keen on. I went straight from listening to and doing everything my parents told me to do (yes, all through college) to getting married right after college and never wanting to upset my loving husband. After getting married, well, y’all know my world for the most part crashed around me when my father passed away just 9 days after getting married and I felt like I had to take care of my mother then. The first 6 months of being married sucked, really, as we spent every weekend driving 3 hours each way to our home town to make sure my mother was taken care of. I was afraid even then to upset her or Jason. I know that Jason put up with a LOT from me and my family during this time. It was extremely trying on us and, I feel, it only made us stronger. I started thinking about everything I’ve gone through and decided that it was time that I step up and deal with everything and make myself a better, stronger person because of it. (I know…it took me long enough.) I’ve pretty much always depended on someone else to always be there to take care of me.
During this time while I was thinking (thinking phase), I was introduced to the Twilight Saga. As I read the books, it took me back to when I was younger and I would read constantly. I had long since forgotten how I could lose myself completely in a good story (Jason, I’m truly sorry for being completely oblivious those few weeks.). When reading the first book, Twilight, I saw how Bella & Edward could not seem to be apart, and for the most part in the beginning of my relationship with Jason (right out of high school for me) I was the same way. The longest we were ever apart for the first 4 years we were together was about 2 days. When I read New Moon, the 2nd book, I wanted to cry through most of the book…the sense of loss that Bella felt made me remember my own loss and it really made me start to think. Eclipse, the third book, where Bella had to make very hard decisions that would hurt people she loved, made me think of the decisions that I had to make and then stick by, even though I knew it was what was best and what I needed to do. Breaking Dawn, the last book, hit me the hardest. Bella went from being the weakest member in the family to one of the strongest. This made me think for WEEKS about myself and how I wanted to grow and become a stronger person. I pretty much kept to myself this entire time just thinking. I read an interview with the author of the Twilight Saga, Stephenie Meyer, where she explained the cover art for Breaking Dawn. Meyer said: “It represents Bella and Bella. ... Bella starts out as the weakest player on the board, and she ends up as the one who decides the outcome of the story. She becomes the most powerful player, and I really liked that metaphor. I liked seeing her evolution in one picture.” I then had a light-bulb go off in my head …I understood what I needed…
Confidence and independence… So, I started doing it and doing all of the things I’d always really wanted to do but was too scared to do! First off…I got my ears pierced again…something small, but it was big for me. Planning a trip, without my husband. I hated even driving to Hickory or Morehead City alone, two places I knew very well. I felt I had to have him with me or I couldn’t go. So, Lyndsye called and asked me to go to Forks, I decided I was going! Lyndsye and I had to plan this trip out…Jason (my wonderfully prepared hubby wasn’t going to be there)…it took some time, but we did it!
I’ve also met a lot of new people this year, through Twitter and my love of Twilight. I’ve made some great friends, who some I’ve had the opportunity to meet already this year and others I hope to meet in person soon. I’ve even met awesome lady here in Raleigh…who I get go have non-work related lunches with and maybe hit up a concert with…it’s refreshing to go to lunch with someone and not talk or think about work! Also, meeting other people with similar interests and understanding has been great! I hope I get to meet more of these wonderful ladies in person soon!
Changing my appearance…I’ve worked out for a couple of years, but since the beginning of the year, I’ve been working extremely hard with my trainer and own my own. (I love running!) Dying my hair & cutting it…to match my new feeling inside I wanted to show it on the outside. Surprise…I haven’t been a natural blonde since about 8th grade! I found a color a little closer to my ‘natural’ color and went for it! I like the new do and the new color! What’s next…something I’ve wanted since the day I turned 18…a tattoo! Jason isn’t sure about this, he doesn’t like them and would like me to wait and think about it longer, but it’s something I’ve wanted to do for years. I have the opportunity soon to go do this with a very close friend, so I’ll keep you posted about it!
These changes I’m sure have shocked my wonderful husband a little…I know the shocked look on his face when he walked in and saw my dark brown hair, the physical changes are just part of it. However, he has been wonderful to me throughout this entire process so far. I know that I’ve kept the majority of my thoughts and reasons to myself, it’s just something I needed to do for me. There are a lot more reasons but they are for me and my growth as a person and for me to use to grow my relationships.
This is me… the more independent, confident, wife, daughter, and friend!